Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
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When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Holy shit he’s back
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Just got to our Airbnb!
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
This will teach them to underestimate me
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.