I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.