Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
😂😂😂
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Pandas 🐼🖤
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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