He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
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Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
some cats are just doing for fun!
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?