50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
You Might Also Like
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.