The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
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Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
boat question
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.