The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Lmao 🤣
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”