My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I have a type: disappointing
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
How do dragons blow out candles?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.