Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
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My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Chemical wingman
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
ME (calling my horse with no name):
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.