centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.