If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I feel it
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..