[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
You Might Also Like
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
incredible
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?