OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
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That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
They’re the worst 😩
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Reporter: *ports again*
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.