@Book_Krazy

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

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@nekolot

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

@McInappropriate

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

@Darlainky

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

@Delta3_Actual

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

@charstarlene

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

@curlycomedy

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

@MarieColette

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

@mattkoff

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!