Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
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Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.