A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
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My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
How funny!
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]