sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Good morning, Twitter x
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.