sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
is this how new cars are made??
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are