In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
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My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱