horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
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Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it