I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
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My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?