Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
You Might Also Like
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,