Cop: looks like you鈥檙e wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 馃檪
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
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Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It鈥檚 actually quite tasty.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I鈥檓 married?
Her: Look, I don鈥檛 believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn鈥檛 matter either? Phew!
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Two wolves? Cute. I鈥檝e got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver鈥檚 license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
i鈥檓 a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
my kid was complaining she鈥檚 bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”