IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.