Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
You Might Also Like
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Not my job 😂
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Now this is how you LinkedIn