Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
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Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen