Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
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I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving