“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
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*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired