I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
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“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
found my next D&D character name
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.