Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
how to exercise your calf muscles
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.