You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
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just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.