You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
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Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
lmao
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”