Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
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Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Who did it better?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Air conditioning – not a fan
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I’d hang this in my house.
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ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something