[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
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Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.