HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.