Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Word.
~ Microsoft.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?