Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
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Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
That’s it.I’m out.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.