Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
You Might Also Like
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it