I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
You Might Also Like
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
road rage
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.