People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
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My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER