Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.