I cannot stop laughing at this
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Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.