Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning