Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
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No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management