manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
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If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”