I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
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*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig