“i miss shittin on people”
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[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering