Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
This week’s mood.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first