‘I know a black person’
– White people
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Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years