When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
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Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.