me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
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*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer