I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
…..pretty much.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
inventing words: clothing
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.